Not Totally With It Right Now


I just can’t think straight right now. Please forgive me. This will be a bunch of rambling because i just really need to talk to someone.  I will be truly thankful for anyone who takes the time to read it.

I’m sorry for how long it has been. I had really planned to get back to this sooner. Everything seems to be falling apart right now. I just wanted to pop in to say “Hi” and hope that I wasn’t totally forgotten about yet. I really did have plans for this week. There were several ideas that I had planned to write about. One thing was spring and valentine themed earrings that I have been working on. That post isn’t going to happen today. The earrings are half done, the camera on my phone isn’t working, and I cant take pictures with my tablet because I lost the charger. There was so much that I had planned for this week………..

I just don’t know……. I’m a bit out of it and can’t think straight.

My head hurts.

My dog died late Friday night. My Jazmin baby. She has been my baby for 11 years. My big fluff ball. 100 pounds of hair.  I miss he so much! It was sudden and unexpected.

Jazmin wasn’t acting quite right on Thursday so we took her to the vet on Friday morning. After an exam and tests and $500 we were told that she had and infection, give her some medicine, and bring her back in two weeks (ok, I shortened it a lot but that is the gist).  We took her home and gave her the medicine. She was drinking but she didn’t want to eat anything, not even her favorites. She didn’t seem that sick. her hart was beating faster than normal and she was din’t want to do anything, but it had just started. She was laying on the bed next to my father a little before midnight on Friday and he herd her gasp. when he looked over at her she was totally still. That sudden.

She was a big connection to my brother who passed away 10 years ago and also to my cousin who we lost in 2013. My first thought was to pick up the phone to call my best friend, then I put the phone back down before pushing send because I remembered that she died in June.                               I just can’t think straight.  I want a hug so bad! I feel so incredibly alone and the loneliness just keeps building.

There was so much I was supposed to do this weekend. I didn’t get anything done. I just can’t think. I was hosting an online Jamberry Nails party on Facebook this weekend but I just couldn’t seem to get that going. (I feel bad because the consultant works so hard for on them and I just can’t pull my share I have a report that needed to get done by tonight, I need to clean the house, I need to make earrings, I need to get ready for an important meeting tonight, I need to go food shopping because I haven’t gone in about 2 months…… What else, I know there is more, I can’t think. My head hurts. I don’t even know why I’m making this public,…….. did I mention that I need to do a load of wash.

I’m sorry for all of this rambling. If you read any of this at all I thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. Just thank you.

Posted in Healing, I Don't Want To Categorize, I need a hug, My Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My New Year’s Resolutions for 2015

I know that it is getting farther into January and most people who are going to have already shared all of their New Year stuff and are going on to other things. I’m not most people.

In the past I have shared them with my best friend and then we would talk about them and have a good visit together. She would give me her opinions of my goals, suggest some ideas, and encourage me to do the best I could to achieve my objectives.  This year I can’t really share this with my best friend and get her opinions. My best friend passed away in June of 2014. I don’t really have anyone else. I feel lost and totally alone. I feel desperate. I have decided that I need to share my New Year’s resolutions on my blog this year.

The following was written over a week ago….

Happy New Year 2015

2015 will be a year of healing, of growth, and of creativity!

This year my new year’s resolutions are a little different than in the past and I am writing them in a different format than I have previously done.  This year I want to focus on the idea that each day is a new beginning, a new chance, a new opportunity for so many possibilities. I plan to welcome each month, each week, and each day with hope and good expectations.  I saw somewhere that someone had taken a jar and each day wrote on a slip of paper the best thing (or the least bad thing) that had happened that day. The slips of paper were then put into the container. It would serve as a reminder that there are good things happening and doing this would require me to search out something positive even on the worst of days.

I believe that small steps are good, even the smallest step is progress. In some cases a temporary step backward is still movement. Movement is good.  This year I want to I need to work on me! But not like I have attempted to in the past. I need to realize that I am a good person, my opinions and feelings do matter, I really do try to do the best I can with what I have.  I can do what I put my mind to (yes within reason) however being human, I also have limitations and can only do so much. I need to take control of my life, Instead of just going along for the ride I need to direct things a little more. I get it; if I can’t stand to be around myself than why should anyone else want to be around me. I need to learn to like and appreciate myself. I am not the selfish person that my family tells me that I am; in fact I am very generous. I need to start treating Amanda as good as I treat the other people around me. You know the Golden rule, “treat others the way that you want them to treat you”? Well, it never occurred to me that Amanda could be an “other” or that I was teaching people how I wanted them to treat Amanda by my own example.  I am valuable and important and I deserve respect especially from myself.

Taking care of Amanda is not a selfish act. Putting Amanda first at times is not a selfish act. Amanda needs to be nurtured and taken care of physically and emotionally. To this end, I need to think, act, and be healthier. “Good in equals good out” … I don’t remember where I heard that, it might have been in culinary school regarding the stock pot.  The time, money, and energy required for me to prepare and eat the proper foods and nutrition, which would help are essential for me to feel my best, are well worth expending.  Exercising doesn’t need to be a trip to a gym or a set regimen.  Exercising is moving more and the focus should be on both physical and emotional improvement.  This reasoning comes from that personal knowledge that when I walk, especially outside, I feel that my general wellbeing improves. Walking can also be a chance to meditate, to de-stress, a chance to pay attention to my surroundings and find the little things often overlooked, a chance to think.

By focusing on good nutrition and exercise other important aspects of a healthy body will follow in time.  While good nutrition and exercise are essential for a healthy body, they also contribute to emotional health.  Also contributing to emotional health are doing things that make me feel valued and good about myself. There is no reason why I should not “put my best foot forward” and represent myself the best way that I can. I live in a world of first impressions so I should, to an extent, be not only trying to sell my art but in a way myself too. To this extent I want to pay attention to my appearance including; posture, cloths, hair, nails, and makeup.

I am an artist! I need to create! Creating is a part of me! I need to embrace and honor it!  I need to be less humble and shy about both myself and my work. To this extent I need to put myself out there, I need to make a name for myself, and I need to sell my artwork and my crafts. My plan for doing this is to make more work, organize my work, create an online presence for myself using my blog, website, and online selling platforms.  There are many steps involved in accomplishing these tasks. The first of which will be to create a detailed list outlining the order and timeframe of everything needing to be accomplished.

There are other things that I am going to accomplish this year as well, things that I can just list instead of writing forever about. Some of the above mentioned things can also be summarized into a list form as well. So hear it goes……. This year I am going to make more artwork and more crafts, and I am going to sell my artwork and my crafts. This year I am going to learn to make money. This year I am going to save money, I am going to learn to invest money, I am going to pay off as many of my debts as possible, and I am going to get a better bank account. This year I am going to reinvent my ETSY account, research other online selling platforms, and revitalize my Paypal account. This year I will be a stronger online presence, I will update my personal website and my blog will be alive. This year I will renew my passport and I will get a post office box. This year I will eat, act, live, and be healthy! I will walk and move. This year I will take time for me and go on some sort of vacation. This will be the year of Amanda!

2015 will be the year of Amanda!

I now feel like adding “fake it ‘till you make it, right?” I also feel like if I add that it will negate everything else that I have written and want to accomplish and believe.

Posted in Goals, Healing, Health, Hope, Mission Statement, My Thoughts, Resolutions | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Quick update on the bread


I have an update on the Gluten free bread that I mentioned I was making in my last post.

It wasn’t really a recipe, it was a mix. It was Gluten free Cinnamon Raisin Bread Mix from Bob’s Red Mill. It was really easy to mix up and it smelled great while it was baking and cooling.  Sadly, the baked bread was very heavy and compact. The delicious smell was very deceiving as the bread had almost no flavor and a poor texture. After being excited by the prospects of this mix, I am quite disappointed.  I still have two additional bread mixes to try, both different and from Bob’s Red Mill, but I won’t be getting the Cinnamon Raisin Bread Mix again.

Bread made from Gluten Free Cinnamon Raisin Bread Mix from Bob's Red Mill!  I Won't be making it again.

It smelled great but the taste and texture were lacking. I won’t be making it again.

I’ll be back later with more to say about other things. Now I have to run………. Lots of things to do, lots of progress to make. Time to make something! 😀

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Happy New Year!

Happy New Year 2015!

Happy Birthday 2015!

Even though it is already January 3rd, 2015 is still just a new baby of a year filled with unimaginable possibilities. I hope and pray that 2015 will be a year of healing, a year of growth, and a year of creativity.

The snow is falling outside right now. I am trying out a new recipe for Gluten Free bread and I’m going to put in in the oven soon (I’ll let you know if it’s any good). This morning I finally got around to typing my New Year’s Resolutions, i’m doing things a bit differently this year.

2014 was a terrible and painful year for me. I am determined that 2015 is going to be a success!

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Watch Out World!

Well, I know that it has been a long time but…….


A lot has changed in the last few years. I graduated from SCCC, had a solo gallery exhibition, hated WPU, lost my cousin, lost my very best friend, lost my volunteer position of 5 years, another close friend isn’t talking to me, I’m watching my grandparents go down hill, I’m showing my art again, got a new job that I LOVE, and I’m picking myself back up! Jut to name a few of the major things.

I’ll say it again… I’m back! Back to working and creating. Back to living.

Prepare to hear more form me, and prepare for it to be soon!

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