I want to focus on me

I have made a decision.

I want to focus on me.

I know this might sound selfish and conceited, however this is not the intent.  I am constantly trying to help and take care of everyone around me.  I think that I do this because I want to be wanted and needed.  I want to please everyone and make everyone happy.  I realize that this is impossible but this knowledge does not stop me from trying.

A friend of mine whom I greatly respect has been telling me for a while that I should take some time just for myself and “just do Amanda”.  Up till now I have pretty much just smiled and laughed it off, however I have also been listening and some of what he has been saying has sunk in and had an effect.  I have been contemplating this for several weeks at least.  I don’t know how to focus on me and “just do Amanda”.  I don’t think that I really know who I am, what defines me, what I want, where I’m going…  I don’t really seem to belong anywhere.

I have decided that I want to find and explore myself.  My plan is to do this through a series of self portraits.  Now these works do not have to be traditional looking images of me.  I want to dissect myself… explore myself… analyze myself… find the essence of myself…  I want to look at myself in the abstract.  I also want this focus to include things that help define me, such as; things that have influence on me, things that I care about, things that I do, things that I “need”, things that are a big part in my everyday life…..

This project is going to take quite some time and a lot of hard work, and like I mentioned earlier in this mess of rambling, I have already been thinking about this for a bit.  I believe that writing this is the first step toward getting started. I hope that by writing this out and posting it here for me to see and to remind me as well as having it in a format that others can see I will be more apt to actualize this project.

I feel as though this is a very important project for me and I truly don’t want to postpone it.  I don’t want it to get pushed aside or forgotten.  I want this post to serve as a reminder and I hope to find encouragement in it.

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2 Responses to I want to focus on me

  1. denise says:

    An excellent idea, Amanda. The blog format might just help propel you forward. Will you be using this as part of your solo show?

    • Thank you. I really do hope that this project helps motivate me. There is a possibility that parts of this might be included in the show in some way. The thought has crossed my mind more than once, however I am not entirely sure yet.

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