I have made a decision.
I want to focus on me.
I know this might sound selfish and conceited, however this is not the intent. I am constantly trying to help and take care of everyone around me. I think that I do this because I want to be wanted and needed. I want to please everyone and make everyone happy. I realize that this is impossible but this knowledge does not stop me from trying.
A friend of mine whom I greatly respect has been telling me for a while that I should take some time just for myself and “just do Amanda”. Up till now I have pretty much just smiled and laughed it off, however I have also been listening and some of what he has been saying has sunk in and had an effect. I have been contemplating this for several weeks at least. I don’t know how to focus on me and “just do Amanda”. I don’t think that I really know who I am, what defines me, what I want, where I’m going… I don’t really seem to belong anywhere.
I have decided that I want to find and explore myself. My plan is to do this through a series of self portraits. Now these works do not have to be traditional looking images of me. I want to dissect myself… explore myself… analyze myself… find the essence of myself… I want to look at myself in the abstract. I also want this focus to include things that help define me, such as; things that have influence on me, things that I care about, things that I do, things that I “need”, things that are a big part in my everyday life…..
This project is going to take quite some time and a lot of hard work, and like I mentioned earlier in this mess of rambling, I have already been thinking about this for a bit. I believe that writing this is the first step toward getting started. I hope that by writing this out and posting it here for me to see and to remind me as well as having it in a format that others can see I will be more apt to actualize this project.
I feel as though this is a very important project for me and I truly don’t want to postpone it. I don’t want it to get pushed aside or forgotten. I want this post to serve as a reminder and I hope to find encouragement in it.