I truly hate do not like one of the classes that I am taking right now. The material is beyond boring and presented in such a way that I am unable to focus on the reading. Most of the time I find myself re-reading the same page multiple times and still I have no idea what I read. Now, I’m not saying that I don’t understand or can’t comprehend what I am supposed to read. NO, it would be better described as not even comprehending that there are words on the page or sometimes even a book in my hands.
My mind is wandering so much. In the past when this has happened it has disappeared in anywhere from a few hours to a few days. This time it has been a problem all semester in almost everything that I have attempted to do, however it is most problematic in this one class. I fear that I will probably fail this class; I know that there is already no possible way that I can get a good grade. I also know that no matter what I do about this class, I will disappoint my family and friends. It seems like disappointing my family is all I ever do.
What might this have to do with art or my artistic process? Well, I spend most of my time studying for this one class. I do almost nothing else. I know that this class is necessary, if for nothing more than it is the last class that I need in order to graduate. The problem lies in that because of the time being monopolized primarily by banging my head against this brick wall of a class, I am forsaking my other class, my art, and my life.
Art and the act of creating is my life, it is also my primary way of attempting to communicate with the world and expressing myself. When I don’t create I begin to feel as if I am dying inside. It drains me. I have done almost nothing for far too long. I have no energy….. I am totally worn out….. I feel dazed and confused…….. I am beyond tired….. I cry myself to sleep almost every night…… I am falling in a dark seemingly bottomless hole and I am unable to catch myself or climb my way out at this time. I hope that I find the bottom soon so I can re-group and begin working on a way out.